Dragon

Once upon a Wednesday the king was not in a good mood. The queen was sulking, the princess was away on a royal date and the prince was busy chasing maids through the orchards, trying to get them to give him more chocolate or lipstick.

The king sighed, consoling himself that at least the kingdom was still in one piece and that he has not yet been killed by his evil visier, who he had preemptively tossed in jail. But then, a giant shadow glided over the countryside, spewing fire on a barn conveniently, but not strategically, placed on a nearby hill. The barn combusted and all was well again for the farmer who had a latent fear of heights.

Soon after the dragon landed on the still-smouldering ruin and roared. "Fuck!" thought the king, that means I'll have to call that stupid homosexual hero again.

Dreading to see the look of disgust on his wife's face - almost as much as the look of joy on his son's - he called for a messenger and sent him forth to summon the noble hope of the realm.

As the hostage rescue team was negotiating with the dragon to release the donkey which was in the barn at the time of the terrorist attack, the dragon demanding media coverage and international recognition of its struggles as a part of a civil war to overthrow the tyrannt, and not terrorism, the sound of hooves rang in the courtyard.

"The hero has arrived!" sang the pages and the king hurried down to meet him. While shaking the king's hand, the hero was peeking around hoping to catch sight of that delectable young prince, alas he was nowhere to be seen.

However there was the queen, still with ice in her eyes, like it was his fault she had a manly figure and he mistook her for the prince in the dark. Anyway, he thought to himself, there is sure to be a public ceremony after I get rid of the dragon, again, and me and the prince will have some time for ourselves.

Off rode the brave hero, to slay the dragon and save the realm, winning half of the kingdom (after this stunt he would become the largest land owner in the realm) and hopefully the prince's hand in marriage (civil of course).

Thus he rode upon the hill, as wrath itself given life, as vengance in flesh ensconced, as death reincarnate. He reached the dragon who was just finishing the last of the negotiation team, and spake thusly: "Hey dude, you did really well, the king is annoyed the queen is bitchy and the lad will soon be mine. Here is a map of the next coal mine I hope you enjoy it as I enjoyed working with you."

The dragon, the mighty destroyer of life, the eternal hate given form, the reaper of sorrow, snorted, and spake thusly: "You are accurate indeed, it was a very profitable venture and the capital gains have surpassed the operating expenses tenfold. However there has been an unexpected happenstance which rather complicates the situation. I have been partaking in industrial spionage and have received word through confidential yet trustworthy channels that you have conducted your own industrial sabotage mission in the next coal mine, lacing the coal with mercury."

The hero went pale and stuttered: "I, I, I ... Who said this? It is a damn lie!" The dragon motioned his wing and from the shadows, the prince appeared. "You!" roared the hero, "but why!? I gave you everything!"

"Yes," the prince replied, "but you know, dragons, they are, like, soooo big, you know? and their well, you know, those are also big. So big, and dreamy."

And thus the dragon partake in the hero and was sated and he took the prince under his wing and entered into an unholy civil union with him.

Thus peace reigned again in the realm, the king was happy, as the prince stopped hogging the bathroom for hours every morning, the queen, as the hero was gone, and the princess, because the prince left behind his make-up supplies.

And they all lived happily ever after, except the hero, but he died happily ever after so it is ok.